The truth of the matter

What if these are the last words you ever hear from me?

What wise, inspirational message does the unicorn warrior with the winning attitude and astounding resilience want to leave as her last?  This is but a small component of my true reality.  Something I am left to ponder at forty five that many never will.

I could go on and on about how I have made peace with my “time” being out of my control and all of the love and beauty I have both received from others unsolicited and that which I have kept my eyes open through the roughest times in my life to still see and appreciate.  I could say that ( a big) part of that peace making process was made possible if not easier by knowing the unconditional love of Neil and gaining the capacity in my heart or getting the opportunity to return it to him. (I don’t know which.)  I could point out that I had the privilege of watching my daughter, even if only for a short time, become the mother I wish I could have been but still knowing that my legacy is partly in the fierce love she has for my grandson.

But, what if this is not my last chance to speak? Then what? I heal and my heart starts pumping blood through my veins full force and I walk down the aisle this June and ride off into the sunset to live the life I have earned through the constant adversity I have survived and sometimes even flourished through?  No.  Not even close.  My hands and feet will still be twisted and tortured by neuropathy.  I will not live with the “scanxiety” other cancer survivors live with, I will live everyday fighting the anxiety caused by knowing that my extremely aggressive cancer with a 33% recurrence rate would have its’ way with me until it was too late to manage if it is hiding in some little corner waiting to rear it’s merciless head, because I will never have the privilege of those periodic MRI/PET scans thanks to the metal stuck in my jalopy of a heart.  Those closest to me have asked the universe, asked God, asked the vodka in their glass; “When will she ever get a break?” and “Why does life continue to challenge her this way?”  Well, we finally have the answer to the first question.  Never.  This will Never. Be. Over. Why?  That depends on who you ask.  Those closest to me can also frequently site me saying that clichés are such because they are true.  So all I have can be poured neatly into one old, tired, but oh so true cliché, whether they are my first words in a new life or the last words of an old one –

Live for the very breath you are taking right now and be grateful for the feeling of air in your lungs, the light in your eyes, the taste of what may even be your tears, the touch of anyone who loves you, whether they walk on two legs or four, and the smell of things that bring back old memories and make new ones.

Let the mundane moments take your breath away – and live in the moment.

This is what I hope for you and promise to me.

Peace out ❤