The truth of the matter

What if these are the last words you ever hear from me?

What wise, inspirational message does the unicorn warrior with the winning attitude and astounding resilience want to leave as her last?  This is but a small component of my true reality.  Something I am left to ponder at forty five that many never will.

I could go on and on about how I have made peace with my “time” being out of my control and all of the love and beauty I have both received from others unsolicited and that which I have kept my eyes open through the roughest times in my life to still see and appreciate.  I could say that ( a big) part of that peace making process was made possible if not easier by knowing the unconditional love of Neil and gaining the capacity in my heart or getting the opportunity to return it to him. (I don’t know which.)  I could point out that I had the privilege of watching my daughter, even if only for a short time, become the mother I wish I could have been but still knowing that my legacy is partly in the fierce love she has for my grandson.

But, what if this is not my last chance to speak? Then what? I heal and my heart starts pumping blood through my veins full force and I walk down the aisle this June and ride off into the sunset to live the life I have earned through the constant adversity I have survived and sometimes even flourished through?  No.  Not even close.  My hands and feet will still be twisted and tortured by neuropathy.  I will not live with the “scanxiety” other cancer survivors live with, I will live everyday fighting the anxiety caused by knowing that my extremely aggressive cancer with a 33% recurrence rate would have its’ way with me until it was too late to manage if it is hiding in some little corner waiting to rear it’s merciless head, because I will never have the privilege of those periodic MRI/PET scans thanks to the metal stuck in my jalopy of a heart.  Those closest to me have asked the universe, asked God, asked the vodka in their glass; “When will she ever get a break?” and “Why does life continue to challenge her this way?”  Well, we finally have the answer to the first question.  Never.  This will Never. Be. Over. Why?  That depends on who you ask.  Those closest to me can also frequently site me saying that clichés are such because they are true.  So all I have can be poured neatly into one old, tired, but oh so true cliché, whether they are my first words in a new life or the last words of an old one –

Live for the very breath you are taking right now and be grateful for the feeling of air in your lungs, the light in your eyes, the taste of what may even be your tears, the touch of anyone who loves you, whether they walk on two legs or four, and the smell of things that bring back old memories and make new ones.

Let the mundane moments take your breath away – and live in the moment.

This is what I hope for you and promise to me.

Peace out ❤

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10 thoughts on “The truth of the matter

  1. Amber

    Mom. I don’t know if you realize that what you have just shared with everyone, that last words you have chosen to publish are already the greatest peice of wisdom you have ever given to me. I repeat these words often and share them with many. Each time saying “my mom always says “its the little things” maybe this time you chose to put those words more eloquently, but I love those words. Thank you for teaching me to savor every moment of life. Every pleasure big or small. I have treasured this memory, of us when I was little. We were driving in the car and you had been so excited to purchase a packet of pop rocks from the gas station. While you ate them you laughed and smiled. You shared your tiny moment of bliss with me. I of course rolled my eyes because I was too cool for pop rocks or my mom. You told me about savoring life’s simple pleasures. You told me “its the little things” and even though I rolled my eyes and brushed you off, I still soaked in every word. I still share this story with people who don’t know you. People who need to hear it. I share it to remind myself of what’s really important. These are fantastic last words to choose. I love you mom. You will make it on Wednesday. You will share this with Theodore in your own way. I want him to learn from you. I want him to know you. I don’t want to have to just share this story. I want to share you.

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    1. You are my deepest pride, my legacy, all of the beauty God created in me I see in you, and I am ever thankful that my deepest innate truth, gifted to me by my creator, did not fall on deaf ears in my limited time with you. How I love you there are no words for, and I look forward to more time together, to appreciate you and beautiful, fiesty Theodore, to be the best Teta I can! Thank you for your love and validation my sweet compassionate girl!❤❤❤❤❤

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  2. Patty Houlihan

    Tania I am praying fiercely for you. Lord I pray in your name. Please watch over Tania and hold her hand . Give the doctors the knowledge to lead this surgery through you. In Jesus Name Amen

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Deb Ramirez

    I know you don’t know me, but I am, and have been praying for you. I always pray for healing…but most of all, I pray that you will have a close relationship with Jesus as your savior, because when you do, then even death loses it’s sting! He’s the only way to Heaven, so I encourage you to call out to Him…He will hear and answer! Sending love and continual prayers! ❤❤❤
    Deb

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    1. Deb,
      Thank you so very much for your prayers, I truly believe in their power! I believe we all see the same creator, God, cloaked in our own culture and experience. I believe in the power of faith in Jesus Christ, I believe Jesus was real, was and is and powerful and Earth changing! Heaven and Hell are hard concepts for me, but I am positive my moral compass, conscience, and gift of compassion are no scientific coincidence! So though our faiths may not completely echo one another they overlap and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your desire for my salvation ❤

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  4. Michelle

    I love you ❤ Your wisdom, strength and grace have had more impact on me and my life than you will ever know. I know you will make it through because you have a story to tell love. xoxo

    Like

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