A Day Without Cancer

Today I am trying to choose to have a day without any mention of the C word around here, as it is my two year first date anniversary with Neil. A few months after our one year anniversary I had to have all of my teeth removed and go into a long restoration with dental implants that put me in very uncomfortable temporary dentures (which, due to chemo, I am now stuck in.) I am so impressed with how much love and kindness he has shown me through that – I mean, being in constant pain and taking your teeth out at night is anything but sexy! But, then I thought, that was that, time to get on to a normal life together 😊 Not what the universe had in mind. Less than a year later and I’m 90% bald with facial spots on my once perfect skin and pretty much out of commission on the farm from the side effects of chemo. Chemo has shown me where I have chosen to see my own value. I see a lot of my value in what I can do – Neil was so excited to meet someone who shares his passion for farming (He owns and single handedly runs a CSA farm) and this season’s shares were geared to receive the work of both of us. Instead he had to cancel all shares, because of my illness. I am enthusiastic and physical with his two daughters, going to the trampoline park and leading the party in many activities, but now I spend most time resting, and they definitely see the change. If I am being truthful, in part I see my value in my beauty. That sounds shallow, I know, but it made me feel good all these years hearing people marvel at my skin and how I hardly age. I had amazing skin. I had brilliant red hair trailing half way down my back that strangers would constantly mention. Now they look at my scarf in pity, and my skin easily looks ten years older in two months. This makes me feel less valuable to Neil, who chose a dynamic physical ‘doer’ with a pretty face adorned with long red hair. To that I know he would say I am so much more than that, and that my compassion is my most beautiful quality – bless his beautiful soul. So today I am gathering all energy and looking forward to giving Neil as much of a ‘cancer free day’ as possible. I hope I succeed!

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7 thoughts on “A Day Without Cancer

  1. Sandie Burns

    You are beautiful on the inside and that, love, is what creates the beauty in the outside.

    I see you now and in my eyes, you look the same as you did when we met so many many years ago. Maybe the packaging is a little different, but I see you with my heart and the eyes of someone that knows you

    Your beauty has always been your soul shining through. 💜

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  2. Stephanie Allen

    You seem just as beautiful as always to me, Tan. Inside and out. Sometimes when I have bad days, I wonder how my husband really thinks of me, you know, the dark and private thoughts in his head. We dated for ten years before we married, then I was diagnosed a year later. He signed up for a fun-loving, dart playing, karaoke singing life with a girl who shares his interests. My only interests lately have been my pillow and my pup. I spend time feeling just awful about myself and then I look over and he’s still there. Sometimes I cannot climb the stairs and then I feel his hand on my back, checking my balance. I think about my old life and I cry, feeling like I ruined our life but then as my tears fall he is right there. We are everything in their eyes, I now realize I’m not “ruining” our life, I’m helping it grow. Right now I am working on forgiving my body for turning on me. When and if I get to that point, he’ll still be there. The kind of love that you and I are receiving is truly one of a kind. We’re lucky after all. Thinking of you daily and wishing you health and happiness.

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    1. Thank you so much. How eloquently put Steph. I am so glad you can see the value in such a difficult experience, it certainly helps with sanity and makes us stronger rather than weaker. Pat is certainly lucky to have you❤

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